Seeing Eye to Eye

“A mind that is stretched by new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.” - Oliver Wendell Holmes

The Source Of Argument

Do you ever wonder why people have disagreements?

Especially when both sides are so confident that their stance is the correct one?

Obviously there are people who hear stories, take them at face value - whether they’re true or false - and run with them, spreading the message to anyone willing to listen.

And this can certainly be a cause for conflict.

However, there’s a much deeper reason as to why arguments take place.

If the objective truth was easy to find and universally acceptable, then we wouldn’t run into this dilemma.

But it's not. Because reality is different for everyone.

So the answer as to why we have disagreements ultimately comes down to life experiences.

Perception Is Reality

People with different experiences will process the world vastly differently than you.

Even if two people have lived on the same street their whole lives, attended the same classes, and played the same sports, they will have different views on life, with different goals and principles to live by.

Last week, my best friend and I were driving across the country to spend some time in the Rocky Mountains.

Keep in mind, we’ve been attached at the hip for the past 15 years. Traveling together, living together, building businesses together, working out together, etc.

People are often entertained that we are able to finish each others' thoughts…

You get the idea - we’re quite similar.

But as we drove through a small town in the middle of Kansas, I was troubled by a ticking noise that I was hearing in the engine.

Aware that Kansas is essentially a massive empty field with scattered rural communities, I found myself identifying every auto mechanic that we drove past, knowing how bad it would be to get stranded on the side of the highway in the middle of flyover country in the dead of winter.

However, my friend, who has been practicing the discipline of intermittent fasting, was coming off of a 24 hour fast, and was suddenly ready to devour anything in site.

So as we drove through this town, he was making mental notes of all the potential diners that we could stop at.

By the time we got through this town, we had both seen a totally different place.

Two people, with extremely similar backgrounds and thought patterns, each saw two completely different (but correct) versions of that same town.

Same objective reality. Different interpretations.

When Realities Clash

Most arguments never go anywhere because people tend to talk over each other from different realities.

And it’s quite hard to change someone’s mind when they have collected empirical data from their life experiences that support their beliefs.

Have you ever had a disagreement with someone from an older generation than yourself?

Societies often change faster than a generational cycle. Which leaves a mix of people who prefer the legacy way of doing things and those who embrace changes and see innovation as a vehicle for opportunity.

This fuels a constant polarity within human culture and we can actually see how this plays out on a societal plane by looking at historical events.

Take for example, people that lived through The Great Depression. This generation was programmed during one of the most scarce periods in U.S. financial history.

As a result, they were embedded with a certain stance regarding finances. Generally, they developed a certain proclivity towards safety and predictability in the job market. They were happy to stick with one employer for a whole career. They were less willing to take on chances and debt.

And this attitude carried over into the 1950’s when the U.S. was flourishing industrially.

Can you imagine the clashes between generations at this period?

One up-and-coming group of society basking in the rewards of a thriving economy. The other hindered by the scars of a devastating financial collapse.

Both groups shape their destinies by personal experiences. Neither quite wrong. But a slim chance of coming to a mutual understanding.

Take a minute to think about some major historical events that happened during your lifetime that may guide your thought patterns, consciously or unconsciously.

If you lived through the dotcom bubble, you may look at the tech space differently than someone born in 2003.

For me, I lived through 9/11, several hurricanes that destroyed my childhood house, and the 2008 housing market crash all before I went to high school.

A very tense period for a young human trying to make sense of the world. I wonder how those events affected my view of the world at that time?

More importantly, I wonder what mental models that I still use were developed as a result of those years, that people born in a different environment could never even comprehend?

The bottom line is that people who had different hardships will never understand the specificities of your beliefs because they have been given a different lens to see the world through.

Navigating The Misalignment

Take a moment to think about what you have gone through that most people haven’t.

What makes you see the world through your scope?

Imagine if you were born in a different part of the world or a different generation. What aspects of your personal philosophy might be compromised?

Keep in mind that reality is subjective. That’s why so many debates spin in circles without actually going anywhere.

Most times, if someone knows something to be true because they’ve seen it in their lifetime with their own eyes, then there’s no hope of changing their mind through a debate.

They have already seen the “facts.” They don’t want another point of view.

Try to understand this concept next time you have a disagreement with someone.

What are the facts that are laid out? Are they objective facts or perceived facts?

Keep in mind that there are multiple ways to slice the ham. Your stance might not be the only plausible position.

Make a genuine effort to comprehend the other side. Drop the ego and understand that there are other perspectives that you haven’t arrived at yourself.

After that, reassess your own stance from an outside perspective, and then decide the model you want to move forward with.

Thinking Practically

More than ever before, we are being peppered with contrasting ideas through the internet. And more than ever before, people are getting angry because they’re uncovering different views that exist outside of their own minds.

Remember: More times than not, disagreements are built on experiences, not objective facts.

And since no two people can ever experience the same life, disagreements will likely never leave us.

So stop wasting energy trying to convert other peoples’ realities to align with your life experiences. It’s an uphill battle that can never be won.

Challenge yourself to be more open minded and don’t believe everything you think.

Instead ask yourself these questions:

1. Which of my current views might I disagree with if I was born in another country or generation?

2. What strong belief do I hold that is most vulnerable to change due to external factors?

3. What major global or local events shaped my understanding of the world I live in?

I’m not asking you to change your beliefs for life. I’m just challenging you to get outside of your typical thought patterns to consider what else is out there.

Life is about hypothesizing and testing new ideas. Avoid falling too deep into the same rigid patterns for your entire life.

And if you find another ideology that fits better than your previous one, be willing to change!